It does not matter if you have been diagnosed or not; your actions and behaviours will remain the same. Have you ever stopped to think about what your loved ones are thinking?
I am not pointing the finger; I recall conversations with my partner when I was in the thick of it. She is very absorbing and has transference; so when I was down, she was down and when I was sad, she became worried. But she never saw the pain I was indeed in, but she witnessed a change in my behaviours. I presume there have been many times where she wished that we would separate.
If you can answer the question; what was the worst state you have been in and how long did it take you to get out of that particular mindset? Then also ask yourself the question, who was around me? Your wife/husband, children or the guy behind the bar listening to you say the same old stories. Additionally, did you push everyone away then suppress your problems by getting to the bottom over a bottle of ‘whatever’ (mine was whisky).
What I am ranting about is whatever you do people will always be involved, even if you push them away (arguably this is the worst thing to do) as they watch you spiral out of control and they often feel guilty because they are unable to help.
This blog is more of a rant than a request, but I would ask you to stand-fast just for a moment, as you are not the person that you once were. But you are still self-aware, you are still capable of cognitive thought.
Too much has changed in your life to remain the same as you once were, but this does not mean that you cannot strive to become a better person than you are today.
I was once a very angry guy and I felt out of control, but I was wrong. I wanted to fight the world, well truth be told I wanted the world to fight me, and beat me and hurt me as I felt so guilty about everything. In my years of self-development, I have learnt that being angry is a secondary emotion and being hurt is a primary emotion.
Additionally, blaming your actions on alcohol, being angry or aggressive is not an excuse, nor is it acceptable (yeah I was guilty for this as well). But remember those around you love you, they may not know or understand what you are going through but don’t push them away and don’t push them too far.
Before it is too late, ask for help, it is so much easier then you realise.